Somedays You Just Feel Mean

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. "THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?

Ah...now I feel better.

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