Happy Woman Month

Well, it seems June is Happy Woman Month. Which essentially means that I only have today left to be happy...maybe I can manage that.

As women (especially us Desperate Housewives), we place a lot of responsibility on our significant others to make us happy. After extensive research (okay, I googled it), I have discovered that to make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

A friend, a companion, a lover, a brother, a father, a master (?), a chef, an electrician, a carpenter, a plumber, a mechanic, a decorator, a psychologist, a pest exterminator, a psychiatrist, a healer, a good listener, an organizer, very clean, sympathetic, athletic, warm, attentive, intelligent, romantic, funny, creative, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant, prudent, ambitious, capable, courageous, determined, true, dependable, passionate...

All the while without forgetting to give her compliments regularly, love shopping, be honest, be very rich, not stress her out and not look at other girls. At the same time, he must also give her lots of attention (but expect little for himself), lots of time (especially time for herself), lots of space (never worrying about where she goes), lots of money (without asking what it is for). And he must NEVER, EVER forget birthdays, anniversaries or arrangements she makes.

I may be every woman, but I think I'd need several men to fill that mandate. We ARE needy and demanding creatures aren't we? No wonder there is a whole month set aside for our happiness...

From my intensive investigative efforts I also learned how to make a man happy....just leave him alone.

You will show me the path of life, in Your presence is fullness of JOY, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore....Psalm 16:11

Let It Go Day

Sometimes the "coincidences" in life just amaze me.

I got thinking about why I am feeling so sucktastically not filled with life and I came up with another fabulous syllogism:

I don't read my Bible = I choose to ignore what God wants to say to me
I choose to ignore what God wants to say to me = I feel sucktastic

Therefore....
I don't read my Bible = I feel sucktastic

I haven't read my Bible in about a week and a half, and I have been feeling progressively more sucktastic as the days go by (that and the unending fog). So, after consultation with PP and Yurr and also the screaming reminder that today is Let It GO Day, I decided maybe I should spend some time in prayer and reading the Bible. Not so coincidentally, God decided today would be a great day to slap me in the side of the head with His Word.

Whenever anyone else says they "feel" a certain way about something/someone and they don't know how to stop, my advice is always "ask God to change your heart". This advice was based on experience, but today I found scripture to back it up. It was like God was saying, "Hello, thank you for sharing this with everyone else on the planet, how about applying it to yourself?" He wasn't really saying it gently, either. No one can tell me God isn't sarcastic when He needs to be. Anyway, I was reading in Acts about Simon the sorceror and how he tried to buy the ability to give people the gift of the Holy Spirit. While our sins were not even remotely similar, Peter's response to him (8:22-23) really hit me: So repent of this depravity and wickedness of yours and pray to the Lord that, if possible, this contriving thought and purpose of your heart may be removed and disregarded and forgiven you. For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in a bond forged by iniquity to fetter souls..." Harsh. Sometimes the truth is as sucktastic as the lies.

Then I was reading about Saul/Paul and how God asked Ananias to go pray over him. Ananias didn't really want to go...he knew Saul's reputation and really questioned God's decision to send him to bless such a jerk. But God said to him, "Go, for this man is a chosen instrument of mine...(9:15)" (I bet Ananias was thinking "Yeah, he's an instrument alrighty, he's a real tool.") Anyhow...what God said to me was that I have no right to question what God asks me to do or who He asks me to reach out to in love. He just asks me to stop being a tool and be an instrument in helping others reach their potential/purpose. So I am attempting to do that. I'll still take your prayers though.

Sorry for the long, serious posts. I hope to get my sense of humour back very soon.

Blah

Today I don't feel like celebrating...I feel like a steaming heap of crap.

Last night at Bible study we talked a bit about confessing things to each other as a way of emptying ourselves out to allow the Holy Spirit to move in. Sometimes there are things you can confess to a group, and sometimes there are things that are just between you and someone else that you have to deal with on your own. I am dealing with two of those "on your own" situations right now and quite frankly, it is sucking the life out of me. I have "given them to God" and am trusting Him for the outcomes. (In other words, I am giving Him permission to do what He needs to do in and through me for these situations to be resolved.) What I believe He is asking me to do is about the equivalent of being pelted with large stones or bobbing up and down in the ocean for a day and a half (It's not easy being a Christian, but it's worth it!). Thanks, Kirk, for what you said about being used by God making it all worthwhile. Knowing that in the end, the crap we're feeling will bring about something worthwhile (if we are obedient) does make things a lot more bearable.

Anyhow, I guess what I am saying is I could use your prayers, especially for me to approach these situations in the way I'm supposed to (What Would Jesus Do?) and to allow God to use me for His purpose.

Thanks, guys. Love ya.

In Between

Well, we are in between one of the best holidays of the year and potentially the worst holiday I have ever heard of...

Yesterday was officially the first day of SUMMER!!! Yay! I love summer, every bit of it. (At least summer the way it is supposed to be, not foggy Seal Cove summer.) The only thing that could make summer any better would be if Christmas were in July. I can think of almost nothing better than driving down the road, your hair blowing around in the wind, the hot sun shining on your face and the music turned up as loud as it will go without blowing your speakers. Having the summer off is probably one of the best parts about being a teacher (that and humiliating young boys in library class)...

Today was Take Your Dog to Work Day. I have no dog. Oh wait, I do have a dog. Too bad it wasn't Take Your Dog to the SPCA Day. Now there's a holiday I could actually enjoy.

Tomorrow is National Pink Day. That is the most disgusting excuse for a holiday I have ever heard. Pink isn't even a real colour. It's not bright or bold enough to be red, and not clean enough to be white. And who said that just because you are a female you have to like pink? That is insane. People honestly try to make me feel guilty for not dressing my daughter in pink all the time. She wasn't even out of the womb before my mother was trying to pressure me into buying her a little frilly pink dress. It's like, "Welcome to the world, little one, now CONFORM!" Whatever. My goal is to encourage my kids to be individuals and to the best of my ability prevent them from being molded by societal norms. And if someday Cohen comes home with something pink and frilly on, I'll probably still love her. Phillipians 4:13.

Eat an Oreo Day

Oh oh oh oh oh
The white stuff.

Word of the day: syllogism
Definition: a logical scheme of a formal argument consisting of a major and minor premise and a conclusion which must logically be true if the premises are true. In other words, if A=B and B=C, then it stands to reason that A=C.

For example,
If Oreos now remind me of Weird Al, and Weird Al reminds me of Kirk Perry, it stands to reason that Oreos would remind me of Kirk Perry.

FYI
Weird Al has not so recently released a new album called POODLE Hat. Now there's a syllogism for you.

Happy munching!

Eat Your Vegetables Day

Well, already I have accomplished one of my carefree goals for the summer... building a sand castle (see Thursday's post). Actually, this picture is an example of how things aren't always as they seem. I commissioned Tammy Brown to take pictures of the kids and I for Roger for Father's Day...not an easy task. Like try to photograph fleas on speed. She did very well and had so much more patience with them than I do when I'm trying to take their pictures. But for one moment in time, they sat relatively still and made me look like a good mother, playing lovingly with her precious children. In reality, I had just wiped a huge snot trail off Saul's face and growled at Cohen for whining about going home. Just one example of how still photography can trump video. Thanks, Tam, you're awesome!







Now, that's more like it!

Go Fly a Kite Day

Since no one had a convincing argument about why I should not love Jack Black, I have decided to move on.

Today is Go Fly a Kite Day, which could be taken in many ways. Leave me alone. Buzz off. Go pound salt. Get out of my face. Go play in traffic.

Actually, when I think about flying a kite, I think of childhood and FREEDOM. Flying a kite is one of those kid things that you do because you have nothing better or more pressing to do than stand there and harness the power of the wind. That is freedom in its truest form. I think that I will make it my goal for the summer to take time out from the everyday craziness that is my life and be free. Of course, I'm anal, so I'll have to have a list of freeing activities to check off. Anyone care to join me?

• flying a kite
• building a sand castle
• catching fireflies
• roasting marshmallows
• playing hide & seek
• having a lupin fight
• rolling down a hill
• sleeping outside in a clothesline tent
• squirt gun fight!
• having a picnic

...and somewhere in there I have to learn to dance.

Mary Kate & Ashley's Birthday

Sooo....Mary Kate & Ashley have survived anorexia and made it to the ripe old age of 20. I remember when they were toddlers on Full House...good times...Actually, I really didn't like that show so much. I liked Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) a lot, even with a mullet, so I guess that's why I watched it...although he'll always be Blackie (General Hospital) to me.

Speaking of Black...I have to take a stand once and for all and defend my undying love and affection for Jack Black. What is not to love? He loves kids, he has a wicked sense of humour, he's built like a teddy bear and he doesn't judge women based on appearances. Some of you should try to be a little less shallow and more like my Jack. So he's not George Clooney. Do you really want to date a man that's prettier than you? I like real men. Jack Black is a real man. And though I have not yet seen Nacho Libre, I think that he is very courageous to take on a role that involves turquoise spandex and a cape. How many of you can say the same (I mean, other than Kirk, who does it for free)? I have yet to hear one good argument why Jack Black is NOT hot. A real argument. (BTW: "Yurr...Jack Black is gay." is not a real argument.) So bring it on...I've had two positive, life-speaking posts and I'm ready to disagree with someone...anyone...

National Hug Holiday

Our God is an awesome God

He reigns from heaven above

With wisdom, power and love

Our God is an awesome God.

Church has been awesome lately--God really is truly here. I felt the same thing as Kirk even before I even walked in to church tonight...there was this overwhelming sense of anticipation in the air. People are starting to come together saying "Okay, God, what have you got for us today? Bring it on!" At the risk of sounding repetitive...it is awesome. Not just wow awesome, but stop in awe awesome. People are responding and loving and speaking life all over the place. They can't beat us, so they might as well join us. THIS is the kingdom of God. The kingdom He gave us the keys to. We have been chosen for this time and this place. Awesome. AWEsome.

And if that doesn't give you reason to hug somebody...

Best Friend Day

My best friend's name is Georgette (yeah, she hates it, too). We have been friends since seventh grade...almost 20 years. She is my best friend for many reasons, but mainly because she's one of the only people I can count on to be 100% honest with me (whether I like it or not) and because she cracks me up like no one else I know. Unfortunately, she lives in on the mainland (in Pennfield) and I don't get to see her much. And our lives being what they are, we rarely even talk on the phone or msn. But I know that if I need her, she's there. We just pick up exactly where we left off. And no matter how many other friends come in and out of our lives, we will always be "best friends".

I have never had many friends. I don't know why, I'm just socially retarded, I guess. But I have to say, one of the best things about going to Alabama was the friends I made both down there and since we've come home. And while it's great to have one best friend, it's awesome to be included in such a diverse group of friends. For the first time, I actually feel like I belong. (Except, of course, for the night I had to eat an 18" pizza by myself. Then I just felt depressed and lonely, my heart aching as the tears mingled with the steaming mozzarella....) I'm just realizing that I have spent most of my life thinking that I didn't measure up and wasn't cool enough. It didn't really bother me that much, but it sure feels great to part of something. I am also realizing that most of the people that I think are popular/cool are just as insecure as I am. And that in itself is very liberating. It may not be long before I feel free to dance, because I know the rest of you will be making fools of yourselves right along with me. So, thanks. I may or may not love you guys very much.

Vacuum Cleaner Birthday

Today the Vacuum Cleaner is 137 years old.

In honour of the vacuum cleaner, here is my ode to things that suck. Things that, one might say, are SUCKTASTIC.

Vampires
Anything pink
Cutsey couples (2-pointer)
Ulcers
Unending Rainy/Foggy Days
Morning People

Colds
Laundry
Extraction of Blood
Animal Hair
Nappus Interuptus
Eggplants
Root Canals

Now, in an effort to speak life...

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudel
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favourite things

Girls in white dresses and blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into spring
These are a few of my favourite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

If only I had a nice dress and a field full of wildflowers to cavort through.......tralala.......

Couple Appreciation Day

Well, today is the day to express apprecation for that dynamic duo better known as The Couple. The day to tell them how much you appreciate them demonstrating their fondness for one another in public, for not being ashamed to stare longingly into each other's eyes for unprecedented amounts of time all the while blocking out the other twenty people around them. The way they refer to each other as "babe", or "hon" or "shmiscuit". The way they can't spend more than 5 minutes without each other, and when they're not with them, the way they constantly call, text or msn them. It's also the day to tell them how much you appreciate hearing about how cute their significant other's ears are or the sweet way they drool when they sleep.

I think that a fabulous way to honour those couples around you is to document their undying love for one another on video. Then, in two weeks, when the love is gone and they really get to know one another, you can insist upon replaying the tender moments back to them. Every puppy-eyed stare, every cheesy comment, every drippy second of their fairy tale romance. Some may say this would be like rubbing salt in a wound. I, on the other hand, believe that salt has restorative qualities. Rub-a-dub-dub, suck it up.

PS
I find it interesting how holidays are grouped together. For instance, not only is today Couple Appreciation Day, it is also National Yo-Yo Day and the anniversary of D-Day. This may or may not be a coincidence.

National Teacher Attitude Day

Today is both National Teacher Day and National Attitude Day. How interesting that both should fall on the same day.

I have tried to write a post twice today already and both times I failed. I think it was because I was speaking death about myself and my sucktastic (my new favourite word, thanks Yurr) teaching abilities. When it comes to my job, I feel like a failure about 98.3% of the time. It does have its perks...I love the kids. I have realized this weekend that my self esteem is pretty low. There are very few things that I do that I actually think "Yeah, I rock at this!" I seriously need prayer in this area.

Lodebar sucks. It's estradically sucktastic.

One question. If I always have to speak life into everyone and everything, can I still be sarcastic? Do I seriously have to give up the one thing that I excel in?

Cheese Day

Cream cheese. Say "cheese!". That's cheesy. Cheese and crackers. Richard Cheese. Mac & Cheese. Do you want some cheese with that whine? Cheez Whiz. I'm so cheesed off!!! Cheesies. Toe cheese. Cheese strings. Squeeze Cheese. The moon is made of Swiss cheese. Cheeseburger. CheeseBurglar. Cheesecloth. Cheesecake.

Au gratin. Au revoir.

Oops

The holidays I posted for June 2 were actually for June 3 if anyone cares. No one? Okay, I'm good.

I have added links to all my favourite blogs to make up for my blunder. Cheerio.

Repeat Day

Today is both Repeat Day and National Itch Day (a good day to make something from scratch!). In honour of both, here is a list of ways you can annoy almost anyone:

• Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
• Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
• Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
• Act like a hillbilly. Period.
• Improvise Italian operas.
• Gossip about someone to their face.
• Answer every question with a question.
• Repeat yourself constantly.
• Act like a member of the opposite sex.
• Repeat yourself constantly.
• Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
• Repeat yourself constantly.
• Change what you repeat every now and then.
• Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
• Change what you repeat every now and then.
• Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
• Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries. (Sorry, PP.)
• Change what you repeat every now and then.
• One word: Caffeine.
• Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
• stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardto makeoutwhatyou'resaying.
• Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
• Change what you repeat again.
• Speak in rapid Spanish.
• Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.
• When in someone's personal space, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
• Change what you repeat again.
• You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.
• Rudely correct everybody's grammar. (Sorry, Scott and everyone else.)
• Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.
• Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.
• Change what you repeat again.
• Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.
• Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.
• Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.
• Change what you repeat again.
• For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.
• Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.
• Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
• Change what you repeat again.
• You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.
• Speak in Gaelic.
• Blink rapidly and constantly.
• Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.
• Strut.
• Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
• Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
• Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."
• Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

Bye.

Bye.

Double Donut Dare Day

Happy Birthday today to Oscar the Grouch and Superman! I have to admit, if I could be any Sesame Street character, it would have to be Oscar the Grouch. I like how he always says what is on his mind. He doesn't worry about offending people. He's grumpy, but he's honest. You have to respect that in a person...I mean Muppet.

Today is also Donut Day and Dare Day. I can no longer eat donuts with a clear conscience since beginning Weight Watchers. But that's okay. I've learned that I do have willpower. (Though I think my willpower has more to do with the fact that we do not have a Tim's on the island than any real control over my appetite for donuts.) I like the idea of Dare Day, but for other people. My self-esteem and bravery levels are too low to take dares. I worry too much about getting hurt or dirty. I need to be more spontaneous. I'd like to tell you more, but it is 6:43 am and I take my shower every morning at 6:45 am and if I don't hurry and get with my schedule, my small, small world will implode...Where is Superman when you really need him?!?